..the reading..
"The Hanged Man-
wisdom,circumspection, discernment, trials, sacrifice, intuition, divination, and prophecy. "
***
October just passed by. It was a tough month for me, but also very challenging. In October, I started staying home again, no more job. October was also the start of Ramadhan, where I really tried to fixing myself and my faith. Trying to control my emotion, my desire, my life, and my self. It's not easy though, too many things happened at once. One day I felt like so happy til I was like flying to the moon. The next day, I was so low til I can't feel my own tears. I realised I became more sensitive, avoiding a lot of people, unsecure and paranoid. I found out that friend also could be my biggest enemy. People I trust betrayed me. Snapped me behind my back. It's all because of power, money, pride, loyalty and dignity. I lost them all just in one month, in October.
I've been trying so hard to survive, just to hang on until everything getting better. But, sometimes..it's too much for me. And tonight, Mbak Titi, my second mother and sister,the one that has been giving me strength and courage for all of this time, told me to letting go all the burdens. So, I started do my meditation again, just to clear out my head. Sitting on my bed with silent, closed my eyes and breathing the air in and out of my body. And I found the comfort that I dying to have for all this hard time. Comfort to knowing that even I have to lose everything that I have now...I still have a strength to build and start it from the beginning again. I've been too busy to tortured myself with all of the things that I think are failures. Everything happen for a reason and not all of them are bad. Maybe I will get a better things in the next following day, month, or even year. Who's knows..maybe everything that I thought are the best for me turn up to be not. All I have to do from now on is preparing myself to accepting that I will be okay even I have nothing. Those jealousy and unsecure things are showing that I'm too scared if I have to lose one of the most important things in my life. But tonight, I won't.
So, what I wanna do now is finishing my warm milk cause I'm having a problem with my sleep. Hopefully, I can sleep after I finish up this post. Then, I'll thinking of myself..forget everything and move on. It's my life..it's time to start make a new plan for it. Fyuhh...I feel relieved now. By the way tomorrow is the last day of Ramadhan, can't believe it passed so quick. And I'm glad, this year..my Ramadhan is better than before. Nite..nite, Everybody. |
