| Saturday, May 31, 2003 |
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you're heart is made of fire, you're passionate,
hot and sexy. relationships are all about
feeling the heat and expressing yourself
pyshically. this doesnt mean that you're a slut
or anything like it, it simply means you enjoy
life and you live it to the fullest. the
opposite sex finds you intriguing and a
wonderful person
what is your heart made of?
brought to you by Quizilla
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me at 11:09 PM
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Akhirnya, kamarku kelar juga benahinnya. Kemaren2 masih berantakan banget, tapi tadi khan udah beli lemari plastik yang funky, jadi semua barang2ku udah dimasukin dan kamar juga udah tempel2in foto ama kartu2 kayak biasanya. Lega banget, akhirnya semua berhasil diselesain :)
Tadi pagi nelpon Praptie dan ketawa2. I know it's sound little bit too much, but I just don't wanna something bad will be happen to you. You're my bestfriend, I don't want you to get hurt. Just be careful,ok. You never know what's going to happen next. Don't play with fire, you might get burn. I miss you too,Prap.
Abis gitu nelpon Onel bentar, pengen tau hasil hearing-nya kemaren. I hope everything will be turn just fine. I believe, you can handle all the problems.
Semaleman beresin kamar, trus ngerjain assignment Market Research. Duh, assignmentku banyak nih, pusing!! Besok mesti ngerjain lagi, damn! Abis nelpon rumah juga barusan. Ngobrol ama Mama dan Papa bentar, dengerin suaranya Bing2 juga. Duh,suaranya lucu banget. Kangen nih pengen liat kebandelan2nya sekarang. Ngobrol lama ama mbak Ly, cerita2 A-Z, gak jelas kemana arahnya..hihihihi. Capek nih, mo bobo abis ini. Udah setengah 2 pagi, pantes mata udah makin sipit aja. Ian nelpon tadi. Dia lagi di Pulau Seribu ato Pulau Putri gitu, tau...lupa..hehehhehe. Dia sms berkali2, cuman karena pulsaku abis jadi gak bisa bales. Biasa..dia nelpon buat ngecek aku lagi ngapain, udah makan belum, sehat2 aja gak. He such a caring guy, but right now, I don't need it. I don't need anything from guy..I just need my funetta. Still...missing him badly. Diluar ujan tuh, wah...pasti enak nih bobonya ntar. Masih ngabisin Marlboro-ku, mesti ngisi racun dulu sebelum bobo...hehhehehe. What a dangerous habit,Feby. Udah ah...mo dengerin last song of today, When She Loves Me by Sarah McLachlan.
When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
And when she was sad,
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy,
So was I
When she loved me
So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say I will always love you |
me at 11:07 PM
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| Friday, May 30, 2003 |
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If I asked you to, would you come and hold my hand?
Would you help me get through this?
Would you help me understand?
If I told you all my fears would you stay here by my side?
Would you try to make me braver,
and wipe the tears from my eyes?
If I told all my doubts, would you assure me it will be ok?
Would you tell me you'll always be here,
and not leave the next day?
If I told you how I felt would you feel the same way?
Would my feelings change your mind,
and make you want to stay?
If I told you what I wanted,
and I didn't want us to end,
Would you always love me,
even if it's just as a friend.
I just wanna be close to you. Wanna make sure that you're doing alright there. But, why there's always a wall between us? I miss my funetta.. :( |
me at 10:17 PM
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-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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me at 6:58 PM
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| Thursday, May 29, 2003 |
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Do you think I'm a bitch? Do I think I am a bitch? Do some people consider me as a bitch? Mmmm...sometimes I feel that I am a bitch,especially when I did something bad just to satisfied my hunger of challenges. Or just to showed to other people that I'm cool. Now, I realise that being a bitch is nothing to do with being cool. It's totally two different meaning. But I don't care anyway. I enjoyed being myself, no matter what people say...I just don't care. It's my life, it's my future, it's my heart and it's my soul. So, if you don't like it..just fuck off..but if you like me, be my friend and stay with me. I just found one funny quiz and lets laughing together when see my result.
your asshole.
What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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me at 2:16 PM
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| Wednesday, May 28, 2003 |
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Capek...mo bobo abis gini. Seharian nongkrong didepan komputer mulu, punggung capek banget. Duh,serasa jadi nenek2 deh klo gini. Abis download mp3 lagu soundstracknya 10 Ten Things I Hate About You. Tuu,lagu lama banget. Inget pertama kalo nonton filmnya di pesawat perjalanan London ke Jakarta, sekitar 4 taun yang lalu klo gak salah. Jadi inget,serunya perjalanan kita waktu itu ama mbak Ly,Ardhi ama Retno. Ardhi ama Retno gimana ya kabarnya? Sejak balik ke Indo, kita udah gak pernah ketemu, paling ngirim email sekali abis itu bener2 lost contact ampe sekarang. Kok jadi ngantuk ya. Apa karena coffee udah gak ngaruh lagi ato emang mataku aja yang ngantuk? Ah, tau ah. Jam 11 bobo deh, besok mesti bangun pagi. Gila, dengerin lagunya Enya yang Clannad bener2 bikin jadi merinding. Itu khan soundstracknya Braveheart. I love that movie. Bener2 TOP banget, suasana heroic-nya kental abis dan Mel Gibson juga oke banget maennya. That movie is about how love and pain can change a calm man become such a strong,aggresive and wild person. Ok deh,last song of today, Virus by Slank.
Aku gak mau menjadi setan yang menakutimu
Aku gak mau menjadi iblis yang menyesatkanmu
Yang aku mau kau mencoba .. tuk mengenal aku
Yang aku mau kau belajar .. tuk mencintai aku
Tulus .. dan apa adanya ..
Aku gak mau seperti api .. membakar hatimu
Aku gak mau seperti duri .. yang melukaimu
Yang aku tahu ku mencoba .. terbuka
Yang aku tau ku sengaja .. tuk bicara
Tulus .. dan apa adanya ..
Aku bisa saja menjadi seperti virus
Yang melumpuhkanmu |
me at 7:17 PM
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I LOVE TODAY!! Pertama blogku akhirnya bisa juga direnovasi. Trus abis gitu iseng ngutak-utik laptopku. Penasaran aja, knapa gak bisa dibuat nyambung ke internet. And you know what? I did it. It's working now!! Gee..what a progress. Seneng deh pokoknya.Bisa pake internet lagi tanpa mesti queue dan juga gak usah susah2 save file di disk dulu kalo nemu2 yang keren di internet. :)
Onel nelpon tadi pagi. Nyambung conversation kita yang keputus kemaren gara2 pulsaku abis. Gila...makin hari makin dingin aja disini. Mana heater belum nyala lagi, fucking hell!! But, it's alright. I believe, everything will turn okay soon. Maybe it's just some kind a test for me. That I already decided to move here,so I have to ready with all the consequences. Anyway...it's mean nothing wrong with my modem and I don't have to spend money to fix it or buy a new one. Just need to buy a network cable to connect between my laptop and Fajar's PC, then we can use internet at the same time. Don't know, I wanna eat something but actually I'm not really hungry yet. So, maybe just wait for a while until my stomach tell me to feed them. Can't stop smiling. I really glad that finally I can fix everything by my own, without other people's help. Feel so independent and I know, I have to continue this thing because I never know what I'm going to get in this life. Maybe I will ended up alone and I have to know how to make sure everything is under my own control. No need to cry for help, I can do it by myself. I'm not a kid, just an ordinary girl that still learn to stand up on my own strength. |
me at 5:50 PM
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Ta Da!! Akhirnya berhasil juga ngubah penampilan blog ini. :))
Setelah seharian nyoba2 dari segala macem source dan cuman berbekal nekat alias bonek doang, akhirnya bisa juga. So proud of me!! |
me at 4:11 PM
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| Tuesday, May 27, 2003 |
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In this time and in this place, take the spirit I displace.
Send me forth whle she goes back to inhabit a soul so black.
Itu magic spell dari Book Of Shadows di film Charmed. Itu spell buat menukar kembali kehidupan masa lalu. I wish I can go back to the past. At least, back to October last year. Back to the day when I met Funetta first time. Jadi inget,dulu pertama kali kenal aku judes banget ama dia. :) but after that, my days just totally change. Sumpah..kangen banget ama dia. Gak tau gimana lagi caranya buat ngelupain dia. Aduh sialan, diradio lagunya mellow banget. Ampun deh..bikin tambah kangen aja. Udah deh..capek,mo bobo dulu. Last song of today, Don't Know Why by Norah Jones.
When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
Have a nice dream,Funetta. May the moon light your night and I'll see you in dream. |
me at 9:37 PM
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Suddenly everything is seems so clear
The story between us start to fade away
But my feeling getting strong each day
My mind try to hold your smile forever
But the truth still the same, nothing change
I miss the long conversation that we used to have
I miss the laugh that we used to share
I miss the feeling when you around
But the most, I miss the day when you missed me
I just miss you, that's all. |
me at 5:34 PM
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| Monday, May 26, 2003 |
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We've come to the final story
All of it has passed behind me
With my smile and now I'm ready for my next step again
I know I can't drown forever
I've got a life I have to deal with
I believe that life keeps turning
And I'm here just to wait and sing
Yes, I'm here just to wait and sing....
Loosing you is not the end of the world
But it's, true that is definitely hurts |
me at 10:55 AM
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| Still try to fix this blog!! Still confuse, but don't wanna give up yet!! |
me at 10:29 AM
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| Tau ah...templatenya ngilang mulu dari kemaren!!! |
me at 10:28 AM
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| Tuesday, May 20, 2003 |
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Aku kangen ama seseorang nih. Rasanya aneh aja gak denger suaranya semingguan ini. Kangen ama ketawanya dan celetuk2annya. Hey, where are you? Are you okay? Just wondering, how've you been there?
Disini mulai dingin nih, tadi pagi malah ujan. Meski udah pake my purple turtle neck top, masih aja dinginnya nembus. Karena internet belum nyambung dirumah yang baru, jadinya mulai betah2in diri di library deh. And you know what I just found out in the computer a few minutes ago? This computer made in malaysia. Ah, jadi senyum kecut sendiri deh. Malaysia...under that sky, someone live and start his new life. Someone that have been sacrificing his life and heart for his family. Someone that stole a half of my heart and never give it back to me. Someone that I will sacrifice everything I have just for to be with him. Someone that didn't say anything on my birthday but still I can't hate him. Anyway...life move on and I will do what I have to do. Finish this course, back home and start build my own dream. With or without him, I still have to live. So..here I am. Still alive, even only with a half heart. |
me at 12:24 PM
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Kalo aja aku punya seribu hati...
Akan kutitipkan semuanya dihatimu
Kalo aja aku punya seribu cinta...
Akan kuberikan semuanya untukmu
Kalo aja aku punya seribu impian..
Semuanya akan kubangun bersamamu
Kalo pagi ini aku tersenyum lebar...
Itu pasti karena memikirkanmu
Kalo siang ini aku bahagia...
Itu pasti karena mengingatmu
Tapi kalo malam ini aku menangis...
Itu pasti karena aku sadar kalo kamu cuman mimpi
Apapun yang terjadi, hitam takkan pernah jadi putih
Selama kenyataan masih mengiris hatiku
Aku takkan pernah bisa memilikimu
Tapi suatu saat aku akan mengerti dan menerima
Aku sudah memiliki jiwamu, tapi bukan ragamu
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me at 12:06 PM
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| Friday, May 16, 2003 |
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when the night come..
I want you be here with me
when the day start..
I want you to leave
cause you're not mine
when I'm sad..
I want you to hug me
when I'm happy..
I want you to let me go
cause you're belong to my sadness
my dearest love...
I want you to be happy with her
I'll remember you, always
You are the best thing I ever had
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me at 9:12 PM
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| Thursday, May 15, 2003 |
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You don't belong in Hell. Sorry.
...You
probably fucking lied or cheated. Fucker.
Why Will You Go To Hell?
brought to you by Quizilla
Huahahhaha, tuu khan resultnya pasti yang bikin ketawa2 sendiri. Maksa banget. Seharian kuliah ampe jam 3, trus nyari2 covernya selimut. Gila, ampir sejaman muter2 di bagian selimut dan covernya...gak juga nemu yang pas dihati. Pas dapet motif cover yang bagus, harganya gak cocok. Harganya cocok, motif covernya bunga2 pink ama merah. Yaaa...bikin pusing aja ngeliatnya. Tau deh, besok aja nyari lagi. Tadi cuman beli fitted cover ama handuk doang, trus pulang. Dirumah, mulai masuk2in baju ke my giant suitcase. Tinggal ngepak, tas2, sepatu2, printer, tape, laptop, buku2..huaaa..masih banyak banget!! :( tau ah, pusing mikirinnya, mending besok lagi dikerjain aja pelan2 dan tanpa mengeluh,ok!!
Fajar udah pindahan hari ini, tadi dia nelpon ngasi tugas buka phone account. Besok deh, aku telpon company-nya, hopefully..next week udah bisa on. Sepi juga kalo gak ada telpon, berarti gak bisa make internet juga dong. Udah ah, besok kuliah pagi nih. Oiya, assignment Advertising Campagn Study udah dapet resultnya tadi, 86% buat assignment trus ujiannya dapet 80..mmm, not bad. Untung Ian mo bantuin ngerjain assignment Accounting-ku, jadi rada legaan dikit. Makasih ya,Ian. Kamu baek deh, cuman akunya aja yang gak baek,hihhihi.
Met bobo...Melbourne.
Am I still be a star in your sky? Cause you will always be a star in my sky. |
me at 8:10 PM
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| Wednesday, May 14, 2003 |
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Hehehe, quiz2 ini kocak banget. Aku sampe cekakakan sendiri liat hasilnya. Masa sih senyumku senyum sedih...hahhahaha,ah..bisa aja nih yg bikin quiz. Yang quiz terakhir ini malah hasilku lebih lucu dan memprihatinkan lagi, hahhhaha. Lumayan lah buat ketawa2. Bobo ah...capek nih.
You have a goodbye kiss- much passion and longing,
but never lasting.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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me at 9:30 PM
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You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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me at 8:13 PM
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hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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me at 8:07 PM
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| Tuesday, May 13, 2003 |
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Gak enak badan neh. Tenggorokan sakit trus mulai batuk juga :( duh,jangan sakit dong. Ntar aja sakitnya klo udah pindah rumah dan beres semuanya. Hihihi,sakit mana ada yang bisa diajak kompromi. Tau ah, males nulis,males ngapa2in. Pengennya diem dikasur mulu. Pengennya dengerin radio sambil ngerokok mulu. Enggak deh, keinginan yang kayak gini gak boleh diturutin terus2an, ntar jadi males. Mo ngurangin rokok nih,biar tenggorokan sembuh dulu. Tadi beli korean instant noddle, enak lho. Pedes gitu, bikin tenggorokan panas tapi abis gitu ngerasa enakan, soalnya kenyang...hihhihi. Mo bobo ah, tapi sebelumnya mo dengerin last song of today dulu, Like A Stone by Audioslave. Lagu baru, enak nih, suaranya males2an gitu nyanyi-nya, bikin tambah ngantuk. Sweet dream..Melbourne.
In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there
Like a stone I'll wait for you there
Alone
On my deathbed I will pray
To the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone
Who will take me to heaven
To a place I recall
I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised
The wine was bled
And there you led me on |
me at 9:37 PM
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BLANK
I'm happy yet I'm sad
It's like I have everything yet
I'm missing something
I just can't seem to put my finger on it
I can't seem to smile, most of the time I just wanna cry
Everyday I try but I get nowhere
I'm on the yerge of falling
I'm holding on the edge
I can't let go and for same reason, I have no control |
me at 5:05 PM
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Relationshp of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand an squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers.You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosey, with respect ad freedom for the other person, it is likely remain intact. But held too possesivey and the relationship slips away and is lost.
Sorry,Ian..I can't be the way you want me to be. I can't say 'I Love You' to you because my heart is belong to someone else. I'm so sorry..
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me at 4:40 PM
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| Monday, May 12, 2003 |
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Hari ini aku belajar satu hal yang seharusnya udah aku lakuin dari dulu. FORGIVENESS. Ada satu orang yang gak pernah bisa aku maapin selama ini. Buat semuanya yang udah dia lakuin ke aku dulu. Buat semua airmata yang aku keluarin karena dia. Dan buat hari2 berat yang harus aku lalui karena dia. Dia itu orang paling rendah derajatnya dimataku. Dia yang udah menghancurkan semua impianku tentang hidup. Dia lakuin semua itu cuman karena ego dan kesombongannya sebagai laki-laki. Kalo aja aku bisa punya keberanian buat ketemu dia lagi, aku bakalan injak2 mukanya dia. Aku bakalan ludahin mata yang dulu bikin aku ketakutan itu. Bertahun-tahun aku berusaha melupakan masa laluku ama dia. Melupakan apa yang udah dia lakuin ama aku dan sampe saat inipun aku masih menyesalinya. Seharusnya dia liat 8 taun yang lalu, aku cuman teenager yang berharap cinta diantara kami bisa menjagaku. Tapi dia malah menghancurkan aku demi kemauannya. He's 100% bastard. Sampe akhirnya aku bisa lepas dari dia dan berhasil melupakan semuanya. Saat ini, gak tau untuk yang berapa ribu kalinya aku menyesali kenapa aku sampe bisa begitu bodohnya. Time passed by and I moved on, but sometimes when I closed my eyes, I can hear his laugh and it was freaks me out.
Tapi pagi ini, bangun tidur aku merasa ada sesuatu yang beda. Sesuatu yang bikin aku pengen melepaskan semua dendam dan kebencianku ama dia. Melepas semua kemarahan yang tak pernah bisa aku lampiaskan. Udah saatnya dendam ini dilepaskan. Aku gak mau menjalani hidupku dengan penyesalan. That's why, tonight I say to myself, forgive him. There's no point to keep this angry and revenge. Cause I realise, forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it does enlarge the future. Mulai saat gak akan ada lagi penyesalan buat dia yang udah bikin hidupku ancur.
M, I hope you can be happy with your family and realise that love isn't just for sex, but love is for caring, understanding and giving. Thanks for the hard time that made me grown up faster than others, and made me realise that life is not easy. Please, leave me alone and never ever think about me again. Hope your daughter never know what you ever did to me. |
me at 9:19 PM
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When these days are gone
When all the love we gave to each other slowly fades away
When your beautiful smile is only here as a dream
And when the words 'I Love You' are scripts of the past
I will always have the memories that were once moment and I will always know that no matter what, I got the chance to be loved by you
Thank you for gave me a wonderful dream
Thank you for made me feel so lucky
Thank you for being my twinkle star
Thank you for sharing your feeling
H.A.O.A ... thank you for the love that feel so real, for once. I wish I can have one more conversation with you. Just wanna tell you that I'm miss you so much and I'm happy for you.
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me at 5:13 PM
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I know as long as you are happy, I can get through this
But it still kills me to see you with her
Not because she is perfect for you
Not because she makes you smile
Not because she is what you need
But because I know that she deserves you more than I do and the pain is indescribable
Aku harap kesuksesan sudah menjadi atap rumahmu dan kebahagiaan menjadi alasnya. I'm still thinking of you,Funetta. I'm still picturing your smile in every dream I had. And I'm still wondering if you still remember me. |
me at 4:54 PM
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY...ONEL.
Dream what you wanna dream
Go where you wanna go
Be what you wanna be
Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to
I wish all your dreams will come true |
me at 4:46 PM
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| Sunday, May 11, 2003 |
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A mother is the one who always care
A mother is the one who will always be there
Her heart is like gold
Too precious and delicate to hold
And if it breaks, she'll never hate
Because she is the mother
And there couldn't be any other
Happy Mother's Day,Mama. Thanks for being my mother. I know, I made a lot of mistakes and I made you sad, but I will make you proud of me,one day.I promise..I will pay all of your tears for me. Sorry, if I lied to you for many things. I just don't wanna hurt you more. I'll be okay.
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me at 8:45 PM
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Tadi siang janjian liat rumah ama Fajar jam 12. Lupa kalo hari ini Minggu, bisnya 2 jam sekali, ah...sialan. Terpaksa jalan deh dari rumah ke station, trus naek train ke Burwood. Deket juga lho, cuman 20 menitan, trus nelpon Fajar minta jemput di station. Sempet belajar juga buat tes Consumer Decision Making besok di train tadi. Rumahnya juga gak jauh dari station, cuman 10 menitan jalan kaki. Total...30 menit, seneng deh,gak jauh2 kekampusnya. Rumahnya gede juga sih, 2 kamar gitu. Bakal kamarku juga lebih gede dari kamarku yang sekarang. :) lega deh, kayaknya gak salah ambil keputusan buat pindah. Ngecek2 properti rumah, Fajar udah siap membantu ama electronic dictionary-nya, tapi pas kita gak ngerti..di translate ke bahasa Indo malah lebih bingung lagi,hahahhaha. Anyway, semua dalam kondisi yang bagus, kecuali pintu kamar mandi gak ada kuncinya ama pintu WC gak bisa ditutup rapet. Catet semua rusak2 properti, trus ngobrol ama Fajar di kitchen, smoking sambil memandangi rumah baru kita,cieee..hehehhe. Pulangnya mampir ke K-mart bentar bikin duplikat kunci, trus makan di McD. Setengah 5 udah dirumah, nanya2 ke Dad soal central heating ama soal potong rumput. Itu sih tugasnya si Fajar, aku bagian dalem rumah aja deh. Seneng, akhirnya bener2 bakal pindah juga.
Semalem chat ama Ian ampe jam 2 pagi. Gak tau, sebel aja ama dia. Ama semua nasehat2 dan kata2 cintanya dia. Neegg..banget deh pokoknya. Jam 2 berhasil udahan trus bobo bentar. Onel nelpon jam 3an ampe ampir jam 5. Makasih ya,Nel, udah mau dengerin ceritaku. Bener2 lega dan seneng banget akhirnya beban itu gak lagi seberat biasanya.
Udah deh,mo belajar lagi nih. Ntar maleman dilanjutin crita2nya.
I wanna move on with my life, no matter how hard I have to carry all of my fucking past. I wanna forget that nightmare, wanna let it go. Although, I can't clean the stain, but I will be a new person. No matter what, I know... I can't change the past. |
me at 2:25 PM
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| Saturday, May 10, 2003 |
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I know..I'm fuck sometimes.I know..I make a lot of mess. I know..I'm shit too sometimes. But, I just an ordinary girl . I laugh a lot but it doesn't mean I can fix everything properly. I need more time and I'll be alright. I think I'm little bit piss now, so don't know what to say actually. So, I'll leave this way and I'll see you tomorrow. Anyway, just wanna say that I miss him so much. Damn, how can I get over him. Wanna listen to Avril's song, Knockin Heaven's Door, before go to bed. So cold tonight, wish someone here to give me a warm hug. Keep dreaming,Girl!!
Momma take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore
It's getting dark, too dark to see
Feel I'm knockin' on heaven's door
Momma put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore
That long black cloud is coming down
I Feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door
I've been knockin heaven's door, but they wont let me in. Why they don't just let me in and help me to hide from his shadow. |
me at 10:43 PM
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How do you walk from someone you love. I don't really want to let you go, but inside me I know I must. The times weve loved , the times you've left. My heart says stay but it's my mind I must trust. We have shared so much memory together. Laughter, fun times, and tears. Yet sometimes we can't turn back time.We must walk away and allow ourselves to heal.
Love is so short, and forgetting takes so long. It's folly to pretend that one wholly recovers from a disappointed passion. Such wonder always leave a scar. There is face I can't never look upon without emotion. There is name I can't never hear spoken without feel hurt inside. |
me at 3:14 PM
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There used to be someone in my life that made me smile when things were bad
And helped me wipe the tears out of my eyes when I was sad
That someone would always listen o ewhen no one else would
And help me find the answer when no one else could
If I ever had a problem I'd know just where to go
But now I have nowhere and no one who will know
For some reason that someone would make me feel like I could fly
I've been through some really bad stuff but the worst thing was saying goodbye... |
me at 3:02 PM
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| Friday, May 09, 2003 |
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Hari ini ternyata emang lebih oke dari kemaren. Meski pas kuliah sempet sebel banget ama Lyn, dosen Manage Effective. She's a bitch!! Tau gak, gara2 si Tom, bencong dari marketing yang kebetulan satu kelompok ama aku gak masuk hari ini, jadi kita gak bisa presentasi. Eh, aku satu2nya dari kelompok yang masuk tadi, udah deh...kena semprot gara2 belum siap presentasi. Meski udah nyoba jelasin alasanku, dia tetep aja ngotot kalo kita itu anak2 yang gak bertanggung jawab. Sialan, sebel banget dikatain gak bertanggung jawab!! Anyway..aku gak tau knapa hari ini Brad ngusilin aku terus. Seharian dia gangguin aku terus, sampe sebel juga. Ngopi ama Will tadi sambil nungguin kelas. Hahhhaha, dia bilang, dia gak bisa nyebut aku asian soalnya aku gak kayak anak2 asia kebanyakan. Katanya cara berpikir dan kelakuanku lebih kayak anak aussie ato european. Karena aku gak pemalu, gak tertutup dan lebih suka hang out ama anak2 bule daripada asia. Hahahhaha...whatever!! :)
Nyampe rumah udah disambut si Chelsea didepan pintu belakang. Dia udah apal jam berapa aku pulang kuliah, makanya selalu menyambut ama gonggongannya yang annoying itu. Shut up,Chels !. Trus pas online, ternyata Fajar online juga. Dia nanyain soal rumah lagi, lengkap ama promosi2nya yang kayak salesman. Ya..tawar menawar dulu sih, akhirnya..ok,deal. Pas dinner, ngomong ama Dad and Mum klo mo pindah minggu depan. Pertama aku mikir, mereka bakal marah, sedih ato gimana gitu. Ternyata,mereka bisa nrima alasanku juga. Gak pake adu urat leher, kita bisa ngomongin kepindahanku baek2. So glad to hear that. Malah mereka nawarin mo pinjemin tempat tidur ama meja tulis. Asiiikkk...lumayan, ngirit duit juga. Abis dinner, aku nelpon rumah. Mbak Ly nyantei2 aja pas aku kasi tau mo pindah. She know me really well what I'm looking for. Ama Papa juga lancar2 aja pas ngajuin proposal pindah. Meski boong juga sih, aku gak bilang bakal pindah ama cowok. Duh,seneng deh, akhirnya bisa pindah juga dari rumah ini. Besok minggu mo liat rumah, janjian ama Fajar di Burwood Station. Benernya dia mo jemput, tapi aku gak mau soalnya pengen nyobain ke sana sendiri. Jadi khan bisa tau, jarak antara kampus kerumah. Hihihihihi....Feby udah bisa senyum lagi deh malem ini :)
Hope, I'm not going to regret this decision. Oiya, aku khan ngasi tau Ian soal pindah dan mo tau apa reaksinya? Hehhehe,dia bilang benernya dia gak seberapa setuju aku serumah ama cowok. Dia sampe sekarang masih sms2 dan minta aku buat mikirin lagi keputusanku itu. Dia sih bilang kalo dia percaya ama aku dan tau aku gak bisa dilarang. Percaya ama aku? Hang on, who are you? You don't have any right to believe me or not. We are just friend, ok. You don't have to trust me if you don't. Yaelah...udah yang kayak ama pacar aja pake percaya2 sgala. Be real. We not even meet, how can you like me that much. Ck...ck...ck, kayaknya aku kena karma deh.
Oiya, Onel kirim forward tadi. Bagus deh, ada satu point yang mau aku quote. Abisnya bener banget sih, serasa ngaca aja.
Kenapa aku merindukan seseorang yang tidak pernah
bersamaku dan kubertanya,
Kenapa aku mencintai seseorang yang cintanya tidak
pernah untukku ?
Kenapa tetes air mata jatuh demi seseorang yang tidak
pernah menjadi kepunyaanku ?
Tuu...bener khan? Yaa..kalo aja kita bisa ngatur semuanya sesuai keinginan kita. Kalo aja kita bisa bikin orang laen punya perasaan yang sama kekita. You know what, I'm sick of looking for someone who can love me the way I want him to. I'm sick of wondering if he has the same feeling for me or just as a friend. I'm sick of being turn down when finally I know that that relationship is not going any further. And I'm sick of all that kind a stuff of being sad and rejected. So, I just wanna enjoying my single life with anybody I want to have fun with. Anybody who want to be with me without any fucking rules and commitment. Anybody who I don't have to put all my make up just to impress him. Anybody who will laugh on my jokes and let me be myself. :) that's me, no matter what people will say. Who care...I don't give a fuck with them too, so why they should. Udah ah, males ngomongin ya berat2, mo nyantei weekend ini. Lagi seneng dengerin Avril nih, ada satu lagunya yang enak, Tomorrow. Have a sweet dream,Everybody. I will too, hope so. :)
I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day
It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't
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me at 9:49 PM
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| Thursday, May 08, 2003 |
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Benernya udah ngetik panjaaaaang banget tapi karena kebegoanku, ilang semua. Mo nulis lagi, udah males. Jadi ya, udah deh. Mo bobo aja. Gak ada yang istimewa hari ini lagian. Isinya gak beda ama yang kemaren2. Aku cuman mo quote satu hal yang aku obrolin ama Dina siang tadi lewat chat. Aku crita soal my perfect guy yang ilang digondol si berek,hahhaha. Dan Dina bilang," Knapa dia bisa kecantol dan sampe ngawinin tu perek? Feb, lupain aja deh soal dia bersama pereknya itu. Loe bisa kok dapet yang lebih baek dari dia.Percaya deh." Duh, jadi terharu dengernya. Hiks, moga2 aja ya,Din. :) Mo bobo deh,besok kuliah lagi, the last day then weekend. I'll see you tomorrow,ok. Bye..bye
She maybe a bitch, but she won and I lost. So, who's the loser then? |
me at 8:34 PM
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When this began
I had nothing to say
And Id get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And Id let it all out to find
That im not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
When all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that Ive got left to feel
Nothing to loose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain til its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something Ive wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
lagi dengerin Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park |
me at 8:22 PM
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| Wednesday, May 07, 2003 |
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Haiiiii...duh, seneng deh hari ini :) Tadi siang ke cinema, nonton "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days" bagus deh, aku suka. Ada satu point yang aku dapet dari film itu. YOU CAN'T LOSE SOMETHING THAT YOU NEVER HAVE. Langsung tertohok deh denger kalimat itu. Mmmm...bener juga ya, kita gak bisa bilang, kita kehilangan sesuatu yang emang gak pernah kita punyai. Ok,change the subject before my mind back to the past. Trus...abis nonton iseng2 ke JB Hi Fi liat mini MP3 player. And I got it now!! Yiihhaaa...akhirnya kebeli juga. Setelah adu malu ama yang jual, biasa nawar2 gitu, akhirnya aku berhasil menggondol itu player dengan potongan $100...hehhehehe,hebat juga ya. Turunan dari Mama kali ya, jadi kuat nawar dan kuat malu juga,hihihihihi. Ah, bodo amat, yang penting sekarang udah punya mini MP3 player...cihuii!! :))
Langsung buru2 pulang, udah gak pake belok ke toko2 kayak biasanya. Udah gak sabar pengen nyampe rumah dan nyobain maenan baruku. Hehhehe,kayak anak kecil ya. Karena mallnya rada jauh, sekitar 1 jam baru berhasil nyampe rumah. Buka kotaknya pelan2, soalnya kalo kotaknya sampe rusak trus ada knapa2 ama MP3-nya gak bisa direfund ntar, itu sih pesen dari si mas sales yang tadi sampe keringatan aku ajakin adu nawar,hehehhe. Pertama charge baterei dulu, abis gitu instal CD di laptop trus mulai deh transfer MP3 dari laptop ke mini playernya. Cepet juga, gak ada 2 menitan tiap lagu. Tadi juga beli mini disc warna biru metalik, keren deh. Tapi si mas sales boong, katanya satu disc bisa muat 100 lagu. Apaan, ini cuman muat 36 lagu, ato mungkin size lagu yang aku masukin gede2 kali ya. Hehhehe, besok beli lagi deh discnya, murah kok cuman $4 perbiji. Tapi ada yang warna biru juga ya, ato beli warna laen biar rame. I love today. Santei seharian, meski HP belum juga aktif tapi gak masalah deh.
Besok kuliah jam 10 nih, bangun pagi lagi deh. Udah janji mo bantuin Will ngerjain assignmentnya besok. Aku sih udah ngumpulin dari minggu kemaren,cuman anak2 pada minta extent dikumpulin minggu ini. Dasar..pada males!! Tau gak, kejadian semalem ama Ian bikin aku jadi tau cowok seperti apa dia itu benernya. Dia itu cowok yang baek,perhatian,loyal,pengertian, dan gampang diatur. Apa serunya coba cowok gampang ditebak kayak gitu? Gak ada tantangan dan usahanya buat ngertiin pikirannya. Tantangan itu bikin kita jadi gak males khan. Jadi mau mencoba lebih keras lagi to become a better person. Bikin kita ngerasa lebih dihargain karena udah berusaha. Yaa,tapi tergantung pribadi masing2 juga sih. Kalo aku sih, lebih suka ama tantangan biar gak bosen. Eh,hari ini ulang tahunnya si Harry lho, tapi karena hpku masih non-active, jadi gak bisa sms deh. HAPPY BIRTHDAY,MATE. Panjang umur dan tambah sukses ya. Buruan kawin deh, daripada ngek-ngak-ngek-ngok kayak gue gini,hehehehe
Mbak Ly, sorry aku belum sempet buka tarot buat pesenan kasusmu. Weekend inilah,aku buka,maap yaa....hehehhe. Sibuk nih, sibuk mengejar mimpi....huahahhaha.
Last song of today is The Hardest Day of My Life by The Corrs and Alejandro Sanz. Mo bobo dulu deh, besok kuliah pagi lagi nih. Night night...everybody :)
Never wanna wake up from this night
Never (never) wanna leave this moment
Waiting for you only, only you
Never gonna forget every single thing you do
When loving you is my finest hour
Leaving you, the hardest day of my life
The hardest day of my life
I still breathe, I still eat
And the sun it shines the same as it did yesterday
But there's no warmth, no light
I feel empty inside
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me at 8:33 PM
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| Tuesday, May 06, 2003 |
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Lagi berantem ama Ian nih. Sebel, kok dia gitu sih. Ya udah aku bilang aja kalo dia gak usah sms aku dulu. Aku lagi muak ama sms2nya. Eh,malah dia ngirim ribuan sms lagi. Knapa sih, susah banget buat ngertiin jalan pikirannya cowok. Knapa mereka selalu punya complicated brain to understand. Susah buat ngerti kalo dibilangin, enough means enough. Untung belum aku terima dia, coba kalo udah, bisa tambah BT khan. Huhhh...nyebelin!! Tadi juga nelpon Erick,HPnya gak diangkat. Trus nelpon Fajar, malah dianya maen pokies di Crown. Katanya gak jadi nonton soalnya Erick gak bisa. Yeee...bilang dong daritadi, jadinya gak nungguin. Untung belum berangkat, coba kalo udah nyampe sana dan mereka gak nongol khan gak lucu. Malem ini, aku sebel ama cowok2. Udah ah...males ngomongin cowok, bikin pusing!!
Tadi aku beli asbak lucu deh. Bentuknya gelas ada tutupnya gitu dan gambarnya jerapah. Hhihihihi,murah banget, cuman 1 dollar. Puas deh :) Trus beli parfum kamar juga, khan yang lama udah abis. Beli apa lagi ya tadi? Mmm...oiya, beli cooked tuna sushi buat lunch...yummy. I love sushi, selama dagingnya mateng sih. Kalo yang masih mentah...ih, geli aja rasanya diperut. Sama kayak makan udang ama kepiting. Aku gak suka, soalnya setiap kali makan, rasanya tuu seafood kayak jalan2 diperutku,hehehhe. I love fish, but not shrimp and crab...yuck!! Dinnernya tadi rice ama chicken and black bean sauce...yummy juga deh :)
Tadi lucu deh pas kelas Copy and Art Director. Arron gak ngumpulin assignment ama gak presentasi. Mau tau apa alasannya? Dia bilang, semalem dia ngimpi monyet di zoo trus dia kejar2 tapi gak kena. Hahhhahahha,apa coba hubungannya ama ngerjain assignment. Tau tuh anak satu, kalo bikin alasan pasti ngayal banget. Dia tuu benernya mukanya cute, bibirnya bisa kayak monyong gitu, gemesin sih benernya...cuman sayang,otaknya gak ada isinya selain cimeng dan beer...haahhaha. Eh, Ian abis nelpon nih. Dia yang berusaha menjelaskan semuanya gitu. Suaranya udah melas2 gitu minta maap. Jadi gak tega dengernya :( Mo marah gimana, mo ngomel gimana, akhirnya cuman bisa diem dan dengerin penjelasannya dia. Duh, jadi ngerasa bersalah deh.Aku jahat banget sih!! Ian,sorry ya, aku kayak anak kecil aja suka ngambek. Sorry ya,sorry banget. Gak maksud gitu kok,bener. Kayaknya aku kelewatan deh becandanya. Duh, ini jiwa iblis suka muncul kalo kumat childishnya. Orang baek2 kok dijailin juga. Gak boleh..hush..hush...ayo jangan nggangguin aku lagi!! Awas ya kalo dateng lagi. Aku bilangin mbak Ly nih. Lho kok mbak Ly dihubung2kan sih? Yaa...khan dia si ratu tega. Teganya...teganya, hahahhaha...yaa,malah nyanyi dangdut lagi..huahahhaha. Udah ah,gak mau jailin Ian lagi. Dia gak asik kalo dijailin, suka terbawa perasaan, ntar kalo knapa2,khan ikutan dosa. Weeekkk...*melet* ama iblis!!
Mo bobo aja deh, ato baca2 majalah. Last song of today is Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word by Blue. Good night...Melbourne
What I got to do to make you love me
What I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you’re not there
What I got to go to make you want me
What I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it’s all over
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
I miss you,Funetta. Where are you? |
me at 8:21 PM
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forget his name, forget his face
forget his kiss and warm embrace
forget the love that once was true
remember now..there's someone new
forget the love that you shared
forget the fact that he once cared
forget the time you spent together
remember now...he's gone forever
forget you cried the whole night
forget him when they play your song
forget how close you two once were
remember now...he's chosen her
say it, say it from your heart
admit it, admit that it's over now
release it, release all of your feeling
say it, say it now
goodbye.. |
me at 7:57 PM
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Presentasi pagi ini cukup lancar, meski sempet speechless bentar gara2 digodain Brad, tapi akhirnya semuanya berjalan lancar. Sambil nunggu kelas selanjutnya, sempet ngopi dan crita2 ama Will di coffee shop deket kampus. Will ngasi masukan bagus hari ini, tentang man behaviour kalo suka ama cewek. Hahhaha, lucu juga sih. Gak tau bener apa gak, cuman cukup penting buat dimasukin ke file-ku. Kalo teorinya Will bener, wah..aku naif banget dong selama ini. Soalnya instingku buat gitu2an udah lama banget gak dipake sejak jalan ama Rieza. Jadi baru sekarang setelah putus ama dia, instingku mulai bisa dipake lagi. Cuman kayaknya udah mati deh, jadinya bego banget. Kadang aku tau dan ngerasa sih kalo ada cowok yang suka ama aku, cuman kadang bloon banget. Hahahha, abisnya ntar dikirain GR ato gak tau diri kalo ngira ada cowok yang suka ama aku. Yaa, ada sih wajah2 lama yang aku tau mereka suka aku, cuman sekarang aku maunya wajah2 baru,hehehe. Wajah baru..rasa baru...cerita baru...dan pengalaman baru. Wajah lama kadang terlalu menyakitkan buat diinget lagi. Duh, peeddiiihhhh. Hahhahaa,maap ya... :)
Mungkin malem ini jadi nonton ama Fajar dan Erick, cuman belum pasti sih. Mereka juga janjinya mo nelpon klo jadi. Ya kalo ditelpon berangkat, kalo gak ya udah...bad luck. Lagian besok emang rencananya mo nonton, "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days." Kalo nonton film gituan, paling enak nonton ama cewek2 ato sendirian. Soalnya cowok suka rada2 tersinggung kalo nonton film yang tentang kaumnya yang dipermalukan, tul gak? Padahal, aku sebagai cewek gak keberatan tuh nonton film yang kaumku dijadiin bulan2an. Emang kadang cewek suka bertindak bodoh kok kalo lagi jatuh cinta. Hehhehehe, kayak yang lagi jatuh cinta aja ya. Enggak kok, aku gak lagi jatuh cinta ama siapa2, cuma lagi rada suka ama seseorang. Hhhahaha,basi banget..gak usah diomongin deh, soalnya tu cowok cuek2 aja kok ke aku. Jadi, take it easy aja. Kalo cinta juga gak kemana. Lagian, akunya aja yang gak kapok2nya suka tantangan macam gitu,huahahahha. Idup khan gak seru kalo gak ada tantangannya. Lurus2 aja juga gak asiklah. Enakan yang naek turun, biar melatih mental juga. Will bilang," Fuck, you are amazing. Never give up on that kind a relationship." Hahhahaha, ah...si Will bikin malu aja nih. Tapi dia mo balik ke Spain lho June ini. Sedih deh, bakalan sepi kelas kalo gak ada dia. Dia khan selalu yang bikin kelas rame ama celetuk2nya yang spontan. Aku juga bakal keilangan temen curhat dan tuker pikiran. Temen yang tanpa sungkan2 ngatain aku bego kalo emang aku lagi kumat bloonnya. Temen yang selalu bikin aku mikir dan malu ama kelakuanku sendiri kalo aku salah. Tapi juga yang selalu support kalo aku lagi sedih. Dan selalu muji hasil kerjaan iklan dan assignmentku. I will miss our stuff when you're gone,Will.
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me at 2:49 PM
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| Monday, May 05, 2003 |
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Abis nonton my favourite movie, trus ngerasa dapet sesuatu. Aku jadi nyadar, kalo selama ini aku udah jadi cewek yang manja dan cengeng. Cewek yang terlalu egois, mau selalu diperhatikan dan gak mau liat kenyataan. And I hate that!! Seminggu ini aku belajar banyak hal. Belajar bahwa apa yang aku mauin gak selalu harus aku dapetin. Apa yang aku harapkan gak akan selalu terkabulkan. Masih ada banyak hal laen yang mesti aku pikirkan selaen aku..aku..dan aku sendiri. Bahwa aku gak bisa maksain keinginanku ke semua orang. Gak bisa maksain ke orang2 tertentu untuk punya perasaan yang sama ke aku. Mereka berhak milih dan bilang 'tidak' ke aku. Rejected is not always mean the end of story. Masih ada kesempatan2 laen untuk nyoba ato nyari yang laen. Makanya malem ini, aku mo bilang ke beberapa orang yang pernah aku harapkan untuk bisa jadi milikku. For you all, I just wanna say, thank you for everything that you've ever done to me. Thank you for listening and changing me to become a better person. Thank you for your wonderful charm that light my day and made me grown up. I know, I have to accept all of your reasons why we can't be together. Sorry if I wasn't a right person for you, but you all a right person for me in every single moment and times.
Mmm...aku tau gak gampang untuk melupakannya, tapi mulai saat ini, aku akan mencoba untuk gak bertanya knapa dan bagaimana. Aku akan nyoba untuk lebih menerima semua cobaan dengan senyuman daripada dengan tangisan. Aku bukan lagi anak kecil yang selalu nangis tiap kali jatuh. Aku bukan lagi ABG yang selalu patah hati setiap kali cowok yang aku suka berpaling. Aku juga bukan lagi anak kecil yang selalu marah bila keinginanku gak diturutin. Life is more than just smile and cry, but it's about how you handle yourself to be a better person. How you deal with your tears when it's getting difficult to face it. It's about how you try to smile when you have to let go someone you love. It's about to realise that with or without that specific person, you still have to move on with your life. Jadi, aku gak mau menyesali apa yang sudah terjadi. Aku juga gak mau menangisi apa yang sudah ditakdirkan. Aku mau tetap berjalan tegak, tersenyum dan melepas apa yang seharusnya bukan untukku. Huhhh...what a progress!!
Ok, one more cigarette then go to bed. Besok hari yang panjang..jadi mesti fresh. Tadi sempet curhat ke Dina,dan dia ngasi masukan2 yang bagus banget. Din, kita emang baru kenal, tapi makasih banget udah jadi temen gue yang supportive. Kita ketemuan ya kalo gue ke Jkt ntar. Mo nyiapin buat besok. Soal baju, liat besok deh. Moodnya mo pake apa. Meski besok cuman pake jeans ama kaos aja, aku yakin bisa lebih baek dari mereka2 yang pake tuxedo sekalipun. You can do it,Girl !! :)
And the last song of today is Beautiful by Christina Aquilera.
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
No matter what we do
No matter what they say
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere w go, the sun will always shine
And tomorrow we might awake on the other side |
me at 9:08 PM
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| Abis mandi tadi, latihan presentasi dikit trus setrika baju buat besok. Bingung nih, besok pake baju apa ya buat presentasi? Celana item udah pasti, tapi atasannya apa. Mo pake jas, males banget. Pake kemeja aja kali ya, tapi yang mana. Tadi udah setrik 3 kemeja sih, yang merah, biru ama yg pink. Hehehhe, yang terakhir cocok gak ya buat presentasi. Aku gak mau dandan terlalu rapi, tapi juga gak terlalu casual. Pink...mmmm,cocok gak sih? Kayak mo shopping aja pake pink. Lagian juga gak tau aku kena setan apa pas beli tu kemeja. Baru kali ini beli warna pink. Biasanya kalo gak biru pasti item. Mungkin waktu itu jiwa girlie-ku lagi gede, makanya kebeli deh,hehhehee. Dinnernya malem ini enak lho. Beef noddle with soup, yummy :). Benernya cuman beef soup doang sih, tapi aku ngusulin pake noddle juga, Dad sih iya2 aja, makanya aku bikinin noddle deh. Kenyang juga sih, meski cuman semangkuk. Mana beefnya tuu yg masih ada tulangnya gitu, jadi mesti gigit2 kalo mo makan dagingnya. Hahhaha,serasa makan sop buntut deh. Abis gitu, aku bikin muffin, Choc-chip muffin...yummy!! Benernya sih pengen bikin cookies, tapi berhubung bahannya cuman punya buat muffin, so..muffin will do. Tau gak yang paling enak itu bukan pas muffin mateng, tapi pas colek2 adonannya. That's the best part. Ok, Sex and the City maen malem ini, 2 new episode lagi, gak boleh ketinggalan barang sedetikpun. |
me at 6:36 PM
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Semalem ngobrol ama Mbak Ly soal soulmate and true love. Ngomongin juga tentang orang2 yang selalu salah paham ama sikap yang kita berikan. Baek dikit dibilang suka. Ngasi perhatian dikit dibilang naksir. Ngobrol akrab dikit dibilang PDKT. Becanda porno dikit dibilang pengen. Tapi, kalo kita judes dikit aja langsung deh dibilang sombong. Gak nanggepin omongannya dikit dibilang belagu. Bengong dikit dibilang lagi on. Yaa..susah deh. Knapa sih, deket dikit langsung diartikan suka. What's wrong with all of you,Guys?? Yaa, mungkin gak semua cewek sependapat ama aku sih, emang gak semua cewek itu sama jalan pikirannya. Tapi, buat yang jalan pikirannya sama ama aku, nanya dong. Kita yang salah ato emang jaman belum berubah sih? Kita yang pikirannya terlalu maju ato emang keadaan belum juga berkembang? Kita yang gak punya perasaan ato mereka yang terlalu berperasaan? Yang pasti, aku pribadi..mo jujur aja. Kalo aku deket ama cowok, karena ada 2 alasan. Satu, karena emang cocok buat ngobrol dan ketawa2 tapi gak mau lebih dari itu. Dua, karena emang suka dan mau lebih dari itu. Nah, sekarang tinggal liat, siapa yang ada dialasan pertama, dan siapa yang ada dialasan kedua. Dan buat yang ada dialasan pertama, jangan marah dan tersinggung dong kalo aku gak bisa lebih dari temen. Tapi buat yang ada dialasan kedua, andai kamu tau.
Yeee...balik2nya dengerin lagu mellow lagi deh. Kayaknya kumpulan MP3-ku mesti ditambahin deh lagu2 ngebeat-nya. Perasaan, isinya lagu mellow semua. Semalem, ngerokok lagi dikamar sambil ngerjain assignment. Hehhehe, serasa jadi Carrie di Sex and the City deh. Ngerokok sambil ngetik di laptop. Yaa, kita emang sama sih. Sama2 cewek, sama2 pengen disayangi dan dicintai ama cowok, sama2 takut diajakin kawin, sama2 ngerokok marlboro light, sama apa lagi ya..? Mmmm...cuman ada bedanya juga sih. Dia udah 30an, aku masih 20an. Dia udah kerja, aku masih kuliah. Dia tinggal di flat sendirian, aku tinggal rame2 dirumah orang. Dia kurus, aku..hehhee,you know. Tapi..di hidup ini, kita bebas khan mo jadi apa aja yang kita mau. Kita yang nentuin peran apa yang bakal kita lakoni. Kita yang nentuin semuanya dihidup kita masing2, meski ada orang2 yang mau ikut ngatur juga sih. Tapi tergantung kita, apa kita biarkan hidup kita yang cuman sekali ini diatur2 ama orang laen. Apa kita rela, orang laen ikutan ngasi perintah buat kita jalanin. Kalo iya...ya udah, terima aja. Kalo enggak, kita berjuang bareng deh, buat ngusir orang2 yang gak kita mauin itu datang dan ikutan ngatur idup kita. Udah gak jamannya lagi, cewek mesti sibuk siang malem didalem dapur. Udah gak jamannya, cewek mesti makein sepatu buat suami2 kita setiap harinya. Ato, mesti tunduk dibawah ketiak cowok dan gak berani buat bilang tidak. Bukannya aku gak mau diatur ato disuruh melayani suami aku nantinya. Mau..mau aja, asal aku dikasi kesempatan buat diriku sendiri. Buat apa sekolah tinggi2 susah2 kalo nantinya cuman disuruh masak dan ngurus anak mulu. Buat apa jauh2 ngejar ilmu dan pengalaman kalo nantinya tetep aja gak boleh berpendapat. NO WAY!! Kalo ada cowok yang mo nggituin aku, cuman satu yang bisa aku bilang kedia. "Maaf Mas, anda belum beruntung!" Hiihihiihi...tipe2 cowok seperti itu yang aku bakal hindari deh. Gak boleh kerja, gak boleh berpendapat, harus bisa masak, harus dirumah waktu suami pulang, harus nyiapin handuk ama baju ganti kalo suami mo mandi. Huahhahaha, mimpi kali yee.
Benernya aku udah nemuin cowok impianku. Pokoknya semua yang aku mauin di cowok ada di dia. Lengkap dan full colour pokoknya. Tapi lagi2 aku mesti nrima kenyataan pait. He's my true love but not my soulmate. Terbang deh semua impianku, tinggal kenangan aja. So, sekarang mulai nyari lagi. Gak harus bisa yang kayak dia, tapi harus bisa menghargai dan menerima aku. Ada gak sih orang yang bisa? Ada gak sih orang yang mau? Pasti ada dan pasti mau...cuman mungkin sekarang belum saatnya. Sabar aja deh, someone will come and light my day again. :) just keep my finger cross all the time. |
me at 2:01 PM
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Caaaapppeeekkk... :( kurang tidur, laper, pusing, BT, dan rada kecewa.Ternyata apa yang aku kira selama ini, 100% salah. Ternyata apa yang aku rasain selama ini cuman 100% mimpi. Dan ternyata apa yang aku harapin selama ini cuman 100% palsu. So, what should I do next? Gak ada, cuman diem dan gak mau mikirin lagi. Capek..nyakitin ati mulu. Capek...maksa2 ati buat tersenyum. Capek...nyusun2 mimpi kosong mulu. Udah deh, gak ada gunanya disesali ato dipikirin. Sesuatu yang sudah hitam,gak mungkin bisa jadi putih lagi. Sesuatu yang sudah cair, gak mungkin bisa padat lagi. :( is it a curse for me?
Anyway, assignment udah kelar. Masih pengen nambahin lagi sih, cuman udah gak ada yang bisa ditulis lagi. Otakku udah kering, udah gak bisa diperes lagi. Liat besok deh, pokoknya presentasinya harus oke!! Besok jadi nonton gak sih ama si Fajar dan Erick? Moga2 aja jadi, soalnya udah pengen ketawa2, ledek2an lagi. Yaa..gak tau lagi, hpku udah non-active nih kayaknya. Rez, pengen ketemu kamu nih. Aku mo crita2 banyaakkk banget. Aku mo nongkrong di jendela kamarmu lagi. Aku pengen ketawa2 ama kamu lagi. Pengen ngopi di Starbuck ama kamu, ato kita clubbing yuk!! Lagi sedih nih, lagi pengen teriak2.
Aku lagi dengerin lagunya White Stripes yg 7 Army Nation. Bosen dengerin lagu yang mellow2 gitu, bikin tambah pusing. Mo dengerin lagunya yang bisa bikin manggut2 sambil nyengir pait. Idup emang pait khan. Udah gak jadi pindah rumah, masih juga sendiri, masih juga ngerjain assignment, masih juga BT. What a beautiful life..hehehhe. I'm not going to move from this house. Just to make THEM happy. Just to make THEM can sleep well every night, no matter how many nightmare I have to deal with. Just to make THEM satisfied and smile, no matter what I have to feel inside. Hope it's good enough to make YOU happy.
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me at 1:05 PM
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| Sunday, May 04, 2003 |
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Do you remember me..
Do you remember the last time when we talked and laugh
Do you remember the first time when we met
Do you remember when you said "Sorry, I can't be with you" to me
Do you remember when I said "I understand" to you
I remember every single thing that we ever had
I remember how loving you was a battle for me
I remember when I tried to smile even my heart broke
I remember when I kept your picture under my pillow every night
I remember when I tried to cry but I can't cause it was hurt me too much
If, we will meet one day, are you still remember my face?
Are you will remember my voice and my smile?
Are you already put me in your past box and seal it
Are you already love her and start forget about me
Do you still remember my name, Funetta?
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me at 1:10 PM
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| Saturday, May 03, 2003 |
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Capek, ngantuk, BT, pusing, kangen, sebel...semuanya jadi satu. Mo bobo aja, moga2 besok ngerasa lebih baek dan ide mau nongol juga di kepalaku. Last song of today, Never Be the Same Again by Mel C.
It's never gonna be the same again, Funetta. |
me at 10:54 PM
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I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved.The rest is up to them
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have
I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief
I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe
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me at 10:38 PM
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Remember, when you're a success..
I'll be happy as can be.
But remember, too, that when you fail..
You can always come to me.
There's little in life we cannot share.
We'll share the bad times too
For my love has no conditions
That's what I give to you.
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me at 10:02 PM
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Pengen pindah dari rumah ini, udah gak betah banget. Fajar ngajakin tinggal bareng sih benernya, pengen juga tapi gak segampang dan se-simple itu urusannya. Tadi nelpon rumah buat ngomongin soal pindah ama Papa. Eh,malah diceramahin soal beratnya idup dan disuruh nyoba buat survive dulu. Ngomong emang gampang, coba kalo ngerasain..paling juga udah ngacir dari bulan2 pertama. Sebelnya, cara Papa ngomong itu garing banget. Masa pake disuruh bikin proposal sgala, emang mo ngelamar kerjaan mesti ngasi proposal. Ngomong ama Mama emang jauh lebih enak,cuman kolotnya gak ilang2 jugaaaa!!! Hidup sendiri disini gak pa2, tapi share flat ama cowok udah mikirnya yg macem2 gitu. BUEETTEEE !!! Kalo udah gini, yg namanya ide mana bisa dateng coba. Dari tadi, udah abis berlembar2 kertas nyobain bikin draft iklannya, tapi tetep aja gak ada yang pas. My brain is not working at all. Maunya pengen tidur aja, tapi belum ngantuk. Pengen nelpon, tapi gak mood ngomong. Pengen ngerokok, tapi diluar lagi dingin banget. Lengkap deh malam minggu-ku ini. Biasanya sih kalo malem minggu, chat ama Ian, cuman dari pagi udah gak mood ngomong ama dia, jadi aku batalin aja. Pasti ntar yang isinya petuah2 lagi deh, ato kalo gak crita2 tentang temen2nya. EMANG GUE PIKIRIN. Dengerin Slank aja deh, biar rada ademan. Pengen crita2 ama Mbak Ly, tapi dianya lagi pergi. Tapi tadi sempet nelpon Rezia dan meski aku gak bilang, dia udah bisa tau apa yang ada dipikirinku. Hehhehe, Rezia...bener2 andalan deh!! Segampang itukah baca pikiranku ato emang kamu udah tau aku luar dalem. But anyway, I miss you,Rez.
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me at 9:47 PM
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Tadi balik dari rumah Dana, sempet beli CD barunya Christina Aquilera. Gara2 kemaren, semaleman dengerin itu CD terus di kamarnya Dana, akhirnya pas pulang jadi pengen beli juga. Lagunya enak2 lho, jadi gak rugi deh beli :) Abis mandi, mo ngerjain assignment tapi lagi miskin ide, jadinya malah connect internet dan download mp3. Tadi nelpon Will nanya soal assignment, lumayan ngerti sih tapi tetep aja yang namanya idea gak juga muncul di kepala. Susah juga sih klo dapet assignment yang bener2 ngandalin ide kayak gini. Sekalinya gak ada ide langsung mentok deh. Aku mo ganti topik, pertama mo bikin iklan tentang Jendela Resto Gallery di Sby, tapi karena lagi2 stuck di bahan, akhirnya milih bikin iklan tentang EF aja. Lumayan banyak bahan yang bisa dipake, tapi minus ide sama juga boong. Stuck lagi deh :(
Benernya mo nelpon rumah tapi kok males banget ya, gak tau knapa. Gak ada kabar yang mesti dicritain sih, tapi pasti Mama nyariin deh klo gak nelpon weekend ini. Besok aja kali ya nelponnya. Tadi sempet nyobain buka tarot buat Taurus, tapi gak sampe kelar, aku tutup aja kartunya. Kok ngeri sih gambarannya, jadi males tau, takut bener2 kejadian ntarnya. Ntar deh,rada maleman dicobain lagi. Mungkin tadi kurang mendukung situasinya soalnya tengah2 konsen buka kartu, pintu kamar digedor Mum, ngasi tau kalo dinner udah dimeja. Ya udah, batal deh. Tadi malem, pas dirumah Dana, kita berdua yang bermellow2 ria gitu. Suasananya mendukung banget sih, rada2 piss gitu. Kalo dia alasan buat mellow-nya jelas, kalo aku..alasannya maksa banget. Pengen punya cowok...hahahhahaha. Kalo dipikir2, bingung juga mastiin apa yang aku mau. Tau ah...lagi gak jelas nih moodku, antara melankolis,kangen,pengen pergi,ama pengen bobo. Tuu khan..buntut2nya bobo lagi. Gak ah, malem ini mesti ngerjain assignment. Mo begadang, biar besok bisa rada nyantei. Eh, Will mo balik lho June ini. Yaa...keilangan satu temen lagi deh. Temen yang biasa nggodain, bantuin, dan nemenin aku. Waktuku gak lama lagi disini, November udah selesai dan balik ke Indo lagi. Tau2 aku jadi males balik ke Indo. Kalo cuman buat liburan sih oke2 aja, tapi kalo back for good, belum siap aja. Bayangin bakal serumah ama Mama-Papa lagi, hari2 membosankan, gak ada lagi kebebasan buat ngerokok sambil jalan...duh, sumpah males banget. Disini meski kadang suka kesepian juga, tapi aku ngerasa gak ada yang bisa mengontrol aku. I can do whatever I wanna do and I can be whatever I wanna be.
Idea...where are you? Come to me, please. |
me at 6:25 PM
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Hidup memang, udah susah
Tapi jangan dibikin susah
Hidup memang, bikin pusing
Jangan tambah dibawa pening
Selama kamu masih,..mencintaiku
Selama kamu tetap setia...padaku
Knapa sih, keadaan gak juga membaek. Knapa sih, masih juga ada penindasan. Kapan sih, merdeka itu bener2 nyata adanya. |
me at 11:53 AM
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Ting..tong...ting..tong...ting...tong.Duh, gak tau mesti bilang apa nih. Onel barusan crita soal temennya yang belum balik sampe sekarang dan gimana sedihnya perasaan dia ama temen2nya yang laen saat ini. Selama ini, jujur aja aku gak terlalu peduli ama keadaan dunia tentang perang, bom ato gimana keadaan orang2 kita yang ada di negara2 yang lagi susah. Ya, mungkin aku terlalu egois aja buat nyisain sedikit waktuku buat mikirin mereka. Tapi, hari ini,detik ini, saat ini...aku bener2 ikutan sedih denger cerita tentang temennya Onel yang gak balik itu dan kemungkinan dideportasi dari Amrik. Meski aku gak kenal sih ama dia, cuman gak tau deh, gak bisa bayangin aja perasaannya dia saat ini. Do I have to use the old way to see it? Mmmm...let see.
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me at 11:43 AM
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Barusan balik dari rumah Dana nih. Jadi semalem dia kerumah, trus curhat2 gitu. Dan, dia cerita tentang sesuatu yang aku dulu udah pernah ngerasainnya. Sesuatu yang pasti berat banget buat dihadapin, apalagi kalo harus menghadapinya sendiri. Akhirnya, aku diajak nginep ditempat dia deh. Ya udahlah, daripada dirumah bengong, akhirnya aku ikutan juga. Kita baru tidur jam 3an pagi. Cerita2, curhat2 dan berbagi pengalaman pokoknya. Jam 10an, hpku yang bunyi gitu, cuman aku cuekin aja soalnya ngantuk banget sih. Setengah jam kemudian,bunyi lagi dan ternyata Erick yang nelpon. Dia ama Fajar ngajakin ke Great Ocean dan baliknya besok, cuman aku disuruh ngajak 2 temen. Yaa...karena aku gak punya banyak temen disini, jadinya gak bisa ngajak siapa2 lagian juga last minute gitu sih nelponnya. Katanya sih kalo jadi, jam 1 berangkat, tapi ampe sekarang mereka gak juga nelpon, tau deh. Rabu malem kemaren, pulang dari court udah jam setengah 7an gitu, trus ditelpon ama Fajar diajakin makan ama Erick juga. Benernya capek banget, cuman penasaran pengen ketemu mereka juga, akhirnya bilang iya. Setengah 9 dijemput, trus kita makan di chinnese resto, abis gitu ke Crown maen pokkie. Seumur idup baru sekali itu ketempat gambling kayak gitu. Trus jam 1 aku dipulangin deh. Capek tapi seru juga kenal ama mereka. Kita punya satu aliran musik yang sama, SLANKERS...hehehehe. Dimobil dengerin Slank terus, jadi rada terobati rasa kangenku ama dengerin slank dimobil. Mo ngopi dulu ah, seharian belum ngopi nih.
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me at 10:53 AM
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| Thursday, May 01, 2003 |
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Bad News of Today. Pagi tadi, sekitar jam 7 pagi, pas lagi pules2nya dibalik selimut, telpon kamar bunyi kenceng banget memaksa untuk diangkat. " Hallo.."suaraku udah yang kayak mayat bangkit dari kubur gitu. "Hi, this is John, Tom's lawyer. We have a meeting today about 9 o'clock in my office and I need you guys to come over and have a quick chat before th pre-court." Aku cuman bisa bengong dan langsung pusing kepala. "Ok, I'll be there" jawabku trus nutup telpon dengan setengah dibanting. Huuhhhh....knapa lagi sih. Knapa si John nyebelin itu selalu mendadak kalo ngajakin meeting, kayak dia aja yang punya kehidupan. Terpaksa bangun deh, matiin electric blanket, ngerapiin selimut, trus buka korden jendela. Brrr...dingin banget, diluar masih rada gelap. Anyway, gak sempet breakfast, cuman nyeruput coffee dikit, trus naek bis ke Central buat nemuin Danie dan Will. Padahal hari ini ada test jam 11 dan mesti ngumpulin assignment juga. Untung semalem udah sempet nyiapin semua sebelum bobo. Dimobil, Will ama Danie udah yang marah2 mengutuk si John, dan aku dibelakang tidur mengejar mimpi yang tadi sempet kepotong. Aku dibangunin pas udah nyampe kantornya si busuk John. Disana, Sarah udah dateng lengkap ama herdernya, si Ahmed, org Israel yg punya bad temper itu. Gak lama, Tom dateng ama bokapnya. Ok, udah lengkap semua, trus kita naek ke kantornya si busuk rame2. Di lift, aku ama Sarah sempet saling memuji kostum masing2,hehehhe.Hari ini aku pake celana item ama kemeja biru garis2 merah andalanku, lengkap ama syal yang kembaran ama punya Onel..hihihi, ama jaket item juga. Udah deh...chit-chat sejam, trus setengah 11 kita semua rame2 balik kekampus buat test. Aku semobil ama Danie dan Will lagi. Daripada semobil ama Tom, ntar nabrak lagi, ato semobil ama Sarah, ngeri banget liat herdernya yg kalo nyetir kayak sopir bemo ngejar setoran gitu. Di mobil, kita bertiga udah bisa ketawa2 lagi. Jam 11 lebih dikit, kita udah nyampe kampus, trus lari2 ke kelas. Ujiannya lumayan lancar, gak susah2 amat. Kebanyakan soalnya tentang Media Planner dan advertising elements, jadi common sense aja. Jam 12, aku udah kelar..nungguin yg laennya dibawah sambil smoking dulu ama Danie. Sekitar 15 menitan, udah pada ngumpul semua trus cabut ke kantornya si busuk lagi. Jam 1 pre-court dimulai, nervous juga sih meski ini masih private court. Aku mulai rada ngantuk gitu pas acaranya beber kejadian dimulai. Lagi enak2nya setengah tidur,tau2 tanganku disenggol Will. Ada 3 polisi ama satu org berdasi masuk ruangan. Siapa lagi nih? Aku langsung rada segeran soalnya salah satu polisinya oke juga. Masih muda nih, badannya gede dan kepalanya gundul. Lucu deh, langsung inget Mbak Ly. Yo iki lho,Sum...hahahahhaha. Mereka berempat ngobrol ama jaksanya bentar, trus aku didatengin si busuk. Dia langsung bisik2, "They want you to do the medical check up again. Don't say any single word about anything." Nah loo..apaan lagi nih. Duh,pengen nonjok mukanya si busuk saat itu. Gimana bisa aku gak ngomong apa2. Masa kalo ditanyain diem aja, entar dikirain aku menutupi kesalahan lagi. "I'm innocent, John. Don't make me look like a fool here."
"Feby, nobody did. But, you have to help your friend too,remember. Don't be selfish." Huhhhh....sumpah, nyebelin banget. Pas lunch break, aku udah gak boleh ngobrol ama anak2 lagi dan ama si busuk juga. Kemana2, aku ditemenin ama Luke, salah satu officer dari kepolisian. Luke ini orangnya udah agak tua, sekitar 40an, tapi baek banget. Kita lunch bareng, aku dibayarin ama dia soalnya aku gak bawa duit cash. Pas mo pake card, eh, malah dia bayarin. Ya udah..gak boleh nolak rejeki khan,hehehe. Nervous banget soalnya abis lunch mesti ke hospital lagi dianterin Luke buat medical check-up. Danie sempet sms nanyain keadaanku, cuman gak bisa bales soalnya Luke mepet disebelahku terus. Aku gak tau mesti gimana, pengen curhat tapi gak tau curhat ama siapa. Akhirnya inget Onel, trus nelpon dia deh. Jam 3an, aku udah di hospital. Ketemu lagi ama Dr.Albert yang baek, ama Trish..nurse yang gualak banget, ama Bob,satpam hospital yg dulu pas opname selalu dengan ramahnya nemenin tiap kali smoking diluar. Pas lagi waiting room buat cityscan, Onel nelpon dan ngajakin ketawa2. Abis nelpon, Luke malah nggodain, "Nice boyfriend." Idih, sok tau banget bapak satu ini. As if..hahahhaa. Udah kelar semua check-upnya trus balik ke court, anak2 masih didalem rupanya. Luke pamitan balik ke kantor dan aku di lobby sendirian nunggu anak2. Mo keatas males banget, tapi mo pulang juga males, pengen tau critanya sidang. So, here I am, di cyber cafe deket court. Ngecek email, ngisi blog sambil ngopi dengan santainya. Uhhh...lega deh, udah kelar semua. Udah ninggalin message di hpnya Will, kalo udah kelar aku suruh nelpon jadi bisa balik bareng. Yaa..kalo sampe setengah 6 belum pada balik, ya terpaksa pulang deh. Capek banget nih...pengen tiduran di kasur empukku. Eh, Will barusan nelpon, aku mesti balik dan nemuin mereka di court. So, disambung ntar ya kalo udah nyampe rumah. |
me at 1:08 PM
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