| Monday, May 31, 2004 |
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MY GRADUATION
Sodara2 sekalian, akhirnya saya wisuda juga hari ini. Setelah kuliah sistem loncat alias pindah dari satu kampus ke kampus laennya, akhirnya hari ini bisa juga ngerasain yang namanya pake toga. Aku pindah2 kampus bukannya karena bermasalah ato di DO, tapi emang kuliah yg kmaren2 belum juga sreg di ati...hehhehe. But today,is the day, when I can feel again all my tears and hard works for the last two years with smile on my face. Today is the day that finally I can make my parents proud of me, eventhough they can't come for my graduation. The ceremony started on 8 o'clock pm but I had to be there on 7pm. This morning,I had a class from 9 to 6, but I skipped the last class, back home early, so I can get ready for tonight. Woo hoo!! Very excited.
Dunc, Fajar (my housemate),Mirna,and my houseparent was there. We all dressed up, except my houseparent. It was pretty funny because from about 15 students from my course which is Advertising, only 3 peoples who graduates tonight. So glad to see my old friends, and teachers again. Teachers who I hate became so friendly tonight, hahahahha...funny,huh. Joe, one of the toughest teacher was talking to me nicely. I'm bit nervous when talking with her, cause she used to be so annoying and got under the skin of every Advertising students in her class. It was great, old revenges became disappear just like that.
Yup, my job in here is almost finish. I have to back home next month. One month...hmmm,what a short time. What's going to happen to me next? Nobody knows, just wait and see, I guess. Who and where I'll end up devoted my life for. It's scary,but I have to keep my head's up, and be positive about it. Cya... |
me at 11:23 AM
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| Sunday, May 30, 2004 |
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Open my eyes, looked the watch, then woke up
Light my cigarrete, turned on the kettle, made a coffee
Looked at the watch again, just 10 minutes gone
Hot water's ready, enjoyed my coffe and my second cigarettes
It's cold,turned on the heater,opened the window
Fresh air, fresh day, but not mine
Looked at the sink,full of dirty plates,back to my room
Turned on the computer,connected to the internet, no email
Burned another cigarrete,looked at the watch, 11.40 am
My head's heavy, my heart's ache, my stomache's empty
My phone rang,talked, and hang up
I'm have to put my head's up,now
Is it gone? Is it over? Is it finish?
NO!! Keep telling myself to survive
Something is missing,someone's change,now
Take a deep breath,waiting, and ready to all the consequences
Sunday morning with my last strength |
me at 8:30 AM
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| Friday, May 28, 2004 |
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 Kira2 3 minggu yang lalu, aku dapet kiriman novel dari mbak Ly. 3 novel,Jangan Main-Main(dengan kelaminmu)ama Mereka bilang,Saya Monyet punya Djenar Maesa, ama Rojak, novel terbarunya Fira Basuki. Gak sampe 3 hari, tu tiga novel udah abis aku baca. Abis itu yang terkagum2 ama Djenar Maesa yang begitu lugasnya ngomongin seks dari sisi wanita. Jadi pengen ke Gramedia ato Gunung Agung deh klo udah kek gitu, hunting novel2 yg macem gitu. Trus jadi mikir juga, selama ini emang kayaknya cewek selalu dijadiin korban deh. Bukan apa2, tapi aku ngomong apa adanya aja. Virgin ato udah enggak. Buat orang kita, yg namanya udah gak perawan itu selalu dihubung2in ama pihak kitanya yang gak bener. Gak tau itu kitanya yg dianggap 'nakal', gatel, murahan ato yang lebih parah gak punya harga diri. Padahal yang tau pasti sebab musababnya udah gak perawan, toh mereka2 yg bersangkutan juga yg lebih tau.Shit happen,Guys.Siapa yang bisa melawan kenyataan klo yang namanya pemerkosaan, dikibulin cowok, ato masalah hidup itu bisa dihindarin gitu aja. Siapa sih yang mau diperkosa, siapa sih yang mau dikibulin cowok, gak ada khan! Nah itu dia yang mesti kita hargain dan ngertiin dari orang2 yang udah gak perawan lagi.
Aku suka kasian ama pelacur2 dijalanan itu. Yang makanan sehari2nya ada hinaan dari orang2 yang ngerasa dirinya lebih berderajat dan yang harga dirinya dianggap lebih tinggi dari monas. Pernah gak sih mikir klo mereka2 itu setiap malemnya nangis dan menderita. Pernah gak sih nyoba ngerasain setiap hari mesti ngelayanin lelaki2 gatel yang selalu ngeremehin tapi tetep aja balik lagi ke mereka.
Tadi siang, abis pulang kuliah dan capek muter2 city, aku lunch di resto jepang,sendirian. Biasanya sih makan disana ama Merlina, tapi hari ini pengen sendirian aja. Sambil makan, bengong liat orang2 dari seribu macem gaya dan dandanan yang lalu-lalang. Dari dulu aku emang paling suka liat orang2 dijalan. Kadang bikin aku ketawa klo ada yg dandanannya aneh, kadang bikin iri klo liat cewek cakep yg bodynya oke, kadang bikin sebel klo liat orang yg gayanya sok jagoan, dan gak jarang kadang bikin kasian klo liat orang yang mukanya melas dan dandanannya biasa banget. Pasti deh,abis itu liat dandanan sendiri dan akhirnya senyum2 sendiri juga, soalnya ngerasa beruntung banget menjadi dan punya apa yg ada di aku sekarang ini. Aku gak tau pasti, tapi mungkin ada orang2 tertentu yang iri setengah mati ama apa yang aku punya selama ini. Yang mencoba dan berharap banget bisa ngerasain apa yang aku rasain.
Guys, you know what. There's a sky above the sky. Gak ada yang sempurna di dunia ini. Selalu aja ada yang lebih dan ada yang kurang. Klo selama ini kalian sering ngeluh ama Yang Diatas, coba deh..mikir2 lagi. Masih banyak orang diluar sana yang kelaperan, gak punya rumah, gak punya uang, gak punya keluarga dan mereka tetap mencoba untuk survive. Duh, malem ini kayaknya mood kemanusiaanku lagi gede neh..hehehehe.Tapi gak pa2 deh, bosen ngomongin cinta mulu, abis ada yang protes kmaren...hahahhaa.
Ya udah, segitu dulu deh share opinion-nya. I'm not perfect but I'm happy. Cause everything that I have now, could be the best things for other people, so I have to appreciate it.
Have a nice weekend, Guys!! |
me at 4:57 PM
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| Sunday, May 23, 2004 |
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it's a heart
very fragile heart
there's new scar on it
with blood and pains
wipe it, i said wipe it
hurry..before the stain stay longer
put a bandage on it
hurry..before the pain getting worse
what? you don't want it?
but why? isn't it hurt? isn't it bleeding?
why laugh, you should scream
stop laugh, it's too loud
ups..it's not laugh,it's cry
wipe the tears,quick
wipe it, before everybody knows
oh..no,you look so pale
lie down,hurry!
take a deep breath, now!
don't close your eyes,please
you make me scare
fuck!! i lose you now!!!
ps:
when it hurt too much,it's love |
me at 4:31 PM
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| Saturday, May 22, 2004 |
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This weekend is suck. Dunc has an army activity the whole weekend, so it's mean no having fun together. Friday night, basically I just stayed home, doing my assignment and talked on the phone. Almost finish my bottle of martini, not drunk just sleepy. And one pyscho guy tried to scared me to death with his stupid phone calls. So sick of his bloody attitude.
Saturday, since woke up til now, still doing my website assignmen, almost finish though.
Went to check my stupid problem and all I got just another sickness. Oh well, what can I say more about it. Nothing much I can do except do whatever I wanna do to get rid of it.
Didn't hear anything from Dunc since morning, he must be really busy there. Miss him a lot, especially when I need someone to protect me from all the pain and horrible thing in here. I'm not in a good mood now, so grumpy and a bit tipsy too ;)
I talked to one of my bestfriend yesterday and she just decided to say goodbye to his lover. It's so sad for her, and the thing is maybe that's better for her, you know. Never met her lover, just seen the picture, so nothing much I can say about him. Then, I realise, we( women) tend to be so weak when fallin in love. Love can make you feel so speechless when actually you have a right to ask why. Love can make you so understanding with everything, just to keep the love itself alive. Love can make you so stupid when the person you love start fooling around with others. And love can be so powerful to change one beautiful day become the worst day you ever have. Not more I can say about love,guys..cause I know, sometime..I react like an idiot just because I love someone.
My advice is don't love too much, so it wouldn't hurt that much. If it's not working today, maybe tomorrow will be different. If it's hurt, maybe tomorrow it will heal. But if it's gone, there must be a better one will come on your way. Don't ask me about my experiences, or about how I survived after all the bitterness of love of mine, but you can ask me why I never stop believing in love. Just one answer, cause I need love and I want to be loved.
Nite..nite,Guys. One night to go and I can see my favourite smile tomorrow afternoon. Can't wait for it...
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me at 7:39 PM
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| Wednesday, May 19, 2004 |
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i just imagine the time when i have to say goodbye
to you and to all the memories we have
the kisses and cuddles
the tears and laughs
the places and times
all the moments we've been shared
i just thinking the moment when i have to let you go
to my last cuddle
to my last kiss
to my last hug
to my last night
and to all my last things with you
i just picturing your face
when i have to wave goodbye
am i going to cry?
am i going to scream?
am i going to run?
am i really going to survive?
and i just want you to know
that maybe it would be the last time
for you, and for me
to touch
to smell
to feel
to see
cause i don't know
if it would be another change
if it would be another time
if it would be another opportunity
to meet again
my love, my dearest boy
when you already find your way and destiny
when you already make up your mind
when you ready to move another life
and when you still want me
come and get me
i will always be there
wait and hope
to another door for us to open
to another way for us to follow
and to another day for us to celebrate
ps:
i'm so scared to say goodbye |
me at 10:06 AM
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| Sunday, May 16, 2004 |
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i said, i love you
without knowing how,when or from where
so, i love you because i know no other way
but, there's a danger in loving somebody too much
and it's sad when you know..
it's your heart you can't trust
cause sometimes,
love just ain't enough
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me at 8:22 PM
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| Wednesday, May 12, 2004 |
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...THAT NIGHT...
I was in my room, alone with all of my stuffs around me. Those stuffs supposed to go to my giant suitcase tonight. My mom keep coming and go to my room, checking how far the packing goes.
"Feby, it's 7 o'clock already but look, you didn't do much packing yet"
"I know,Mum, but I don't know what should I bring and put in the suitcase. It's too many stuffs, I can't decide."
"You always like that. I told you since yesterday to start packing but you prefer went out with your friends."
I just grin, and not pay much attention to her. I just look all of my stuff, and the sadness started crawling in head. Time flies, it seems I unpacking my suitcase from UK, and now I start packing again. This time to Australia. I really dunno where I have to start, my clothes, my bags, my shoes, my junks, my CDs...are everywhere in my room. Then, my sister,Happy, came along to help me packing. So, basically she did all the packing and I just watch her. Finally, everything was ready and Epha, one of my bestfriend came to my house. We were talking and she said that Rieza was outside waiting for me. He was kinda banned from my house because of my parents. So, I sneak out and met him outside. He was in his car, looked so worry that my parents or one of peoples in my house could see him. I talked with him for about 10 minutes then I have to back in before my mum know. He kissed my forehead, then I went back in. And I can't sleep afterward. I don't really wanna go, but I have to. But, then I think about my future, and how much experiences that I will gained in Australia. I don't know anybody there, so it's kinda fun but also like a gambling. So, I went to sleep with half of excitement and the other half of sadness.
Yeah, it's only me remembering the night before I departure to here, Melbourne. That night I was like so confused and sad. I'm to scared to face another bad time, by myself. But how time flying so fast. I already lives here for about 2 and half years, by myself and I still survive until now. So many changes happened in me. I was breaking up with Rieza after 6 years been together. We are still good friend until now, and already move on with our own life. I'm with my Dunky now, and he's still single, I think. And that night, if I can choose, I'll stay in Indonesia, but the fact was I don't have any choices. Now, when my study almost finish and I'll go home in 2 months, if I can choose, I prefer to stay here longer, but the fact is I can't. So, basically...life is kinda push me around all the time to go, to move on, and to keep follow my path. For some private reason, I'm sad, and for other social reason, I'm glad cause my school duty is finish. My responsible to make my parents proud is already half way to go.
I think, everybody has a responsible for their own parents. And for me, 50% of my responsible is finish my school, and the other 50% is to show them that I can be independent with my own feet, in life. How hard it would be, but I know what I'm going to do. Just, one thing...I dunno what I'm going to do without my Dunky after I back home later. Well, I guess, I have to ready with everything,right? That move on could be means one of us has to go in separate way.
I better doing my assignment now. So, I'll see you around.
ps: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONEL
Wish all the greatest thing for you.
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me at 10:39 AM
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| Saturday, May 08, 2004 |
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anyone who had a love close to this knows what I'm saying
anyone who wants a dream to come true knows how I'm feeling
all I can think is you and me doing the things I want to do
all I imagine is heaven on earth, I know it's you
anyone who ever kissed in the rain knows the whole meaning
anyone who ever stood in the light needs no explaining
but everything more or less appears so meaningless, blue and cold
walking alone through the afternoon traffic, I miss you so
anyone who felt like I do
anyone who wasn't ready to fall
anyone who loved like I do knows it never really happens at all
it's over when it's over, what can I do about it now
that it's over...
everything more or less is looking so meaningless and fades to grey
lying awake in an ocean of teardrops I float away
ps:
for anyone who feel that already find 'the one', knows what I mean
anyone who think love is perfect, understand what's happen
and especially for someone who keep put a bandage in my fragile heart, I hope you understand |
me at 4:32 PM
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| Sunday, May 02, 2004 |
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HAPPY WEDDING DAY, REZIA
Hope your life will be happier from today til the end of the days
ps:
I wish I can be there for you, today... |
me at 2:35 PM
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